(Taiwan and I are out for a stroll in the park)
My Dearest Taiwan,
We have been seeing each other for almost 8 years, and in that time we’ve grown very close, you and I. I’ve been to all of your temples and climbed your mountains, slept on your beaches and partied in you cities. Performed on your stages and developed my talents. You weren’t always easy to deal with, and neither was I – but you certainly helped me grow.
That is why that it is with a heavy heart that I must tell you today that I am breaking up with you.
Now, now. Please! Don’t cry. It’s been wonderful, but you and I both know that we’re different now. You with your Chinese investments – let’s face it – they’ve changed you. I can’t go out anywhere anymore without running into those bloody mainland tourists, let alone take a trip at the spur of the moment…even if I attempt to plan the trip 1-2 months in advance. <Sigh>. Also, I find your language pedantic at best.
What? Ok. Look – I’m sorry if that offends you but it’s true. “Hao Chi, Hao Chi”. Good eat? Good eat? So uninspired. I feel like a kindergartener speaking it.
Yeah. I know, I know. (rolls eyes) I made very little attempt to learn Chinese, and that’s probably why I find your language so uninspiring…You’re right.
Totally – English is a stupid language, too, and that’s also why I no longer want to force it on your children. But the point is, I’m just not interested in learning Chinese, and, <heavy sigh>, you deserve someone better – someone who actually wants to learn your language.
I’ve told you like, a hundred times. I’m just not interested in learning it.
No alright! I don’t want to listen to people’s conversations. What little Chinese I do know already drives me insane! I hear people everywhere I’m out, “Hun hao!(very good) or Wai goren! Wei goren! (foreigner, foreigner)” They don’t talk about anything interesting anyways. Everything is food, or work. BOR-ING!
(Shaking head) This isn’t productive. Learning Chinese isn’t going to happen.
I’M LEARNING SPANISH ALRIGHT!
YES! I didn’t know how to tell you. Spanish is just prettier and waaaaay easier.
For about a month now…and whenever you’re asleep late at night. I downloaded an app…I figured if I learned Spanish, it would motivate me to break up with you. This has been a long time coming.
I don’t know? Four years. Maybe five?
(Taiwan shakes its head in disbelief)
I’ve changed. I’m stifled here. You’ve given me so much, but I’m just too comfortable. It’s time to move on. I’ve becoming too bitter and negative. I’m going fucking INSANE here – too many people! Too much idiocy and lack of logic! AND IT IS NEVER FUCKING QUIET!!!! I crave adventure. Can’t you understand that my soul is dying? It’s not you. It’s me.
Ok, it’s you.
Well, I was trying to spare your feelings. Your foreigners are douchebags. Your citizens are super friendly – nicest people in the world – but they’re kind of close minded and racist. And they treat each other like shit. What’s up with the wages they pay people here? It’s appalling! Ugh. And the air quality…why are you trying to be Beijing Jr.? It’s atrocious! My allergies are insane. Doesn’t Taiwan care about the health of it’s citizens?
Yes, the healthcare is cheap, but what’s the use if all your doctors do is dole out shitty pills for every flipping thing? Hey! Remember that time I got a bee sting and had an allergic reaction and the doctor gave me antibiotics!?! Or the time I went to the dermatologist for a skin cancer screening and she gave me cream for my freckles saying, “Don’t worry, this will make your black spots go away and then you won’t be ugly.” The doctors here are practically useless…
I said practically.
No, the weather here sucks. It’s either blisteringly hot, constantly raining, or too damn cold – with no heating in the buildings.
Yes, I know that’s just in Taipei, but that’s also where all the work is…
Of course I will! I’ll miss your night markets, and your beautiful East Coast. I’ll miss your cheap clothes and the food! Who doesn’t love Taiwanese food, huh? And – you’re like, the safest country in the whole world. I love that. I love you. Of course I still do. How could I not? I met my soon-to-be husband here…But it’s time to go. No — don’t start crying again. Please?
This is best for both of us. We both know it. You’ll find others who love you – you always do! And hey – I still want to be friends! Do some business – I’ll even come and visit you from time to time. It’s not like I’m just going to leave and never come back. Come onnnnn. Come onnnn…
So, what do you say? Friends?
(outstretches hand, Taiwan shakes it and agrees)
@#^$#%#@%^@^ @#$!$@^*$&@*%&^(%&*($^&# ???
Yes, I realize nowhere is a utopia, but I’ve really go to go this time.
Totally. I’ll call you soon – we’ll have a K-TV going away party! Drink Taiwan beer and hit up the night market.
%#!%!%#@%&*%*&($^% ??? @^@^%#*@ ???
Oops! <cough, cough > I’m choking on your air again, and my allergies are acting up. I really gotta go. (Double fingers pointed at Taiwan, and winks) Talk soon? Zaijian! Bye-bye! And Xie Xie for all the memories.
(I blow Taiwan a kiss and wipe away a few tears. I’m really gonna miss this place.)
Thank you for everything Taiwan. You truly have touched my heart. This post does you no justice, and so I vow in the future to write one that does. Stayed tuned for “My Time in Taiwan”.